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The Next Great American Blog Post

31 Oct

 Here is a guest post from my brother, the only person I know that is able to work Justin Bieber into a wedding toast.  Yes, it was ours. 

Hello, my name is Barrett and I’m Kelsey’s brother.  I’ve been briefly mentioned on here before.  To my knowledge, this is the first time Kelsey has invited anyone to do a guest post, although it’s unclear whether or not a gay middle-aged man occasionally ghostwrites for her

 She’s given me free reign to write what I please which to her credit, is harder than it looks.  After scrapping a couple of overly ambitious ideas, I just googled “writing topics” and started answering questions from the first topic that came up.  Today’s exercise was actually intended for 1st graders, but at least I didn’t go through with my original plan–just filling out a Mad Lib and dropping that on you guys.  Without further ado…

A Special Birthday… 

Just had one of those last month and this year’s was particularly exceptional because so many people wished me happy birthday.  That got me feeling like I had just tried heroin for the first time.  I was delighted to the point that I realized if I was a girl with low self-esteem, I would just fake a Facebook birthday every few weeks or so.  That way I could benefit from all the well wishers, and in turn feel good enough about myself that I could avoid becoming slutty.  I really hope I have a daughter so I can enrich her with life lessons such as this one. Well, here’s to another great year…or few weeks until I have a Facebook birthday all over again!  

I’d Like to See… 

One of my farts go unnoticed by my girlfriend (I’m sure she hopes for the same).  The other day, we were watching Seinfeld and I thought surely I could sneak one in during the interlude music.  “Bum bum bah duh dum dum da da duh LPHHH bumm.”  Her eyes immediately darted over at me and I tried to do the whole “What?  It was the music thing!” to no avail.  This happens at least once a week day. 

The Biggest Thing I Ever Saw…

 The collapse of the Dallas Cowboys 2010 season 😦

(A good team-prophesying joke I heard a few weeks ago…What’s the difference between Tony Romo and Lindsay Lohan?  Only Lindsay Lohan has a decent line in front of her right now.  ZING!  Get well Antonio.) 

I like to make…

Sure that I watch all sequels and prequels to a movie before seeing the one that’s currently in theatres, regardless of how much buzz or popularity it has.  That’s why I haven’t gone to see Jackass 3-D yet, I never saw Jackass 2 so I don’t want to be confused about anything in the plot.  Luckily my mother is an English professor so maybe I’ll ask her if this is ever a good idea, like maybe she saw Hamlet 3 before Hamlet 2 or something. (There was sequels to Hamlet right?)  

What if toys could talk?

How do we know they can’t already?!?!  As far as I know Mythbusters on the Discovery channel hasn’t disproved this yet.  Until Savage and Hyneman tell me otherwise, I’ll continue to believe pretty much anything. 

I’m happy when … 

The holidays come of course.  The only thing that’s kind of a boner killer is that my current boss is…wait for it…wait for it…JEWISH!  OMG, RIGHT?!?!  And look, I’m no Mel Gibson, Jewish people are totally fine by me, I bet I would even love Gefilte Fish.  My only issue is that when late afternoon rolls around on Christmas Eve, guess who is still at the office?  THIS GUY!  The way I see it, Jesus was without a doubt the crunkest Jew ever, I don’t know why we all can’t celebrate his birthday.  (I have Jesus as my #1 Jew, followed by Julio Iglesias at #2.  International singer AND former Real Madrid Goalkeeper?  Now that is a true Hebrew Hammer!) 

Friendly places

I find that most places that smell nice, I’ll automatically assume are friendly.  That’s why I want to change my NAME to a scent.  You know how Prince changed his name to a Symbol?  What if I just had a bottle of spray and some little cards and every time somebody asked my name, I’d just spray the card and hand it to them?  Would this work?  AND DID I JUST BLOW YOUR EFFING MIND?!?! 

 I know a lot about . . .

R. Kelly.  I’m sorry, but I do.  If you haven’t seen all 83 minutes and 57 seconds of Trapped in the Closet you really need to.  That film changed the way I look at the world, and frankly, closets. 

Who’s at the zoo?

Mostly just mouth breathers.  I hate the zoo.  It’s so sad to see the animals doing hard time and the amount of heat and people drive me crazy.  Every time I go to the zoo I feel like grabbing a can of whipped cream and doing whip-its until I pass out. 

What will I share?

 I don’t know, but hopefully it’s not another “social disease”.  That reminds me, not only was last month my birthday but it also featured Chlamydia Monday and I came away very disappointed that not ONE person remembered to wish me a “Happy Chlamydia Monday.” 

 I rode on a . . .

Rhyme train into this world.  I have a rap group, and we’re called The Rhymelich Maneuver. © Do whatever you want with that information. 

 The parade

No!  I have not once helicoptered my weiner for beads at a St. Patrick’s Day Parade, okay?!?!

 I wonder why . . .

New York Time’s Best Seller and one of Time Magazine’s 100 most influential people, Malcolm Gladwell, had such a disturbed look on his face when I met him at a conference earlier this summer.  I tried to break the ice by saying that “I heard it was between you and Lindsay Lohan to be the keynote speaker at this conference but she had another commitment.” 


 I think that’s going to do it for me.  Please leave Kels some positive feedback if you care to hear from me again.  Enjoy your week!