I’ve had this post in my draft section since I started this blog, but wasn’t really sure how to write it. Or if I even wanted to. But the longer it sat there and stared at me, the more I wanted to write it.
Anyway, I’ll get to the point. So, I have this friend. A girl who has been my friend since we were 11 years old. We were best friends. During the summers we’d spend all day together, and we would even go on vacations with each other’s families. We learned to drive together, got over first boyfriends together, helped each other through family issues and had sleepovers most weekends. We did everything together. She would even come over to my house every morning before school so that we could talk about what to wear. She would make fun of me for still watching cartoons well into my teenage years. But I didn’t care if she knew, she was my best friend. She knew more about me than anyone else, and I felt the same about her.
Once college came around, she decided to stay in Texas, and I decided to go to Boston. But, it didn’t matter. We stayed very close and would visit each other every year, and would talk on IM (remember IM??) and we maintained our close friendship. We did have big fights though. I think partially because we could feel the growing pains and some distance forming between us. It was hard to see your best friend get cozy with someone else, and start to share secrets with someone else when you were their go-to person. But, we always moved beyond them. It was like fighting with a sibling.
Then bigger things started happening like buying houses, getting married, attending graduate school, etc. At this point we started to grow further and further apart. The closeness we had just wasn’t there anymore. There wasn’t a big fight or anything, we just kept growing apart and not sharing things about our lives with one another anymore. I stopped sharing with her because I felt judged. This was so different from the girl I knew when we were kids. She stopped sharing because she said after you get married you share things with your husband. But, that wasn’t the girl I knew at all. The problem was that we both still maintained the title of “best friends” though it wasn’t true. I felt like I didn’t know who she was anymore, and maybe she felt the same way about me.
What makes this really hard though is that I know she’s sad that we aren’t close. I can tell. And, I feel like I’m being a huge jerk. But, we’ve had multiple talks about our relationship, and I’ve told her again and again that you can’t be close with someone you know nothing about; someone that won’t share anything with you. But things just haven’t changed. We go out for happy hour or lunch and we have superficial conversation, and then we go our separate ways until the next outing. I find myself saying things I don’t even feel or mean because we have such a “fake” relationship now.
Having this fake relationship makes me sad. How did we go from sharing everything to being complete strangers?