Bad Advice to Women

16 Aug

I love magazines, I really do.  I have a subscription to at least 4 magazines.  I know that’s not terribly many, but if I get anymore than that, I can’t seem to keep up with them and the next one is already arriving at my doorstep.  Here’s the problem though, there are so many with horrible advice and I cringe when I think about woman trying to actually implement them.  Fortunately, I try to steer clear of those that I think field bad advice.  But, even without subscribing to Cosmo, I still find myself bombarded with bad relationship advice. 

For example, a website called the Frisky talks about how to turn a guy on by the way you eat.  And, I’m not kidding.

1.  Small Bites Are Sexy. The smaller the bite the bigger your lips look. Also, there is nothing sexy about someone using a fork as a shovel.

2.  Menu. Finger foods like grapes, strawberries, chocolate, candy … or our personal fave food to watch a man eat, pizza, are good options because they bring another sensory element into play – touch. But foods that are greasy, saucy, or otherwise messy don’t work well for hand grabs. If you’re eating those kinds of foods, work it on a fork.

3.  The Look Of Love. Make eye contact. That way your sexytime partner will know you want him like this here morsel of food. Give him at least a knowing glance. I like to give a good look at him, bite, and then another look. Beware of staring him down, especially if you’re not that dexterous with the eat-and-seduce maneuver.

4.  Take Your Sweet Time. Let the food linger on your lips. Don’t hold it there, be natural. But let the food going in your mouth have its sexy moment.

5.  A Bite To Eat. If you are bold enough to offer to share your food, definitely use utensils if you are in public and make sure that it isn’t a forkful of disaster. Do not set him up with a dripping, too hot, or a too big morsel. Do offer him the full flavor, sauce, condiments, etc. Also, don’t feed someone unless you are already comfortable with each other. It’s a terribly awkward “getting to know you” move.

6.  Hanky Panky. Keep a napkin handy, just in case. If you need to recover from a missed move, you can do it like a lady. Although, some people like the mess …

7.  Food For Thought. You don’t need a banana, lollipop to make it hot. And sometimes those items are a little too obvious. I would argue that regular, everyday food is better. It’s more of a surprise than the pressure of “I’m licking this to turn you on.” When it comes to eating seductively, it’s all you. You can make anything, including any food, sexy.

8.  Swallow. Make sure you chew and especially swallow. There’s a lot in the swallow; don’t try to hide it. No turtlenecks allowed.

9.  Bring In Da Noise, Bring In Da Funk. Do not slurp, burp, or make any other noise that is not sexy. Be careful, even when sipping your wine. The key is in #4—take your sweet time.

10. Yum, Yum, Gimme Some. Look like you’re enjoying it. Duh. Although, taking it to the whole “When Harry Met Sally” sandwich level is a bit too far. Stay cool.

All I can think about is that episode of Friends where Monica is trying to seductively wield the knife to seduce Chandler with his flock of seagulls haircut and then she ends up dropping the knife and cutting off part of Chandler’s toe. 

But really, are women on a regular date trying to eat food to simulate a BJ?  Or, do women read this and think about cutting their food into tiny bites to make sure their lips look big?  God, I hope not.  But, I worry that young, impressionable girls read these articles and think that’s the way to really go about things.  I guarantee that the first date I had with Sean I was not concerned about any of the above mentioned steps.  The biggest worry I had with regard to my food was whether any was stuck in my teeth. 

Maybe I’m the idiot because I think this article is serious and the author is laughing as she writes this and thinks about someone actually trying out any of her tips.  What’s the most ridiculous advice you’ve seen in a magazine or online article?

2 Responses to “Bad Advice to Women”

  1. Mina 08/17/2010 at 9:50 am #

    wow. wow those are horrible. i used to read seventeen in middle school and became so preoccupied with all the steps i had to take in order to make my face and body look good. at a certain point i had to stop reading because i was getting so stressed out and feeling badly that i wasn’t super tall and skinny.

  2. serena @bigapplenosh 08/17/2010 at 10:24 am #

    Good thing I’m attached, because according to the article I’d never find a man with the way I eat! Ha!

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